I DIDN'T Have a Dream

Fulfillment, that one thing we all want, need actually, but it's not something that most people would say if you asked them "what do you want?" It's a difficult thing to define because it can be attained in so many different ways and it's different for all of us. Some people are born with a dream and spend every waking breath, from the moment they realize what that dream is to the moment they achieve it, breaking their back to get there. Some people luck into it, stumbling upon something that resonates in them so completely they are caught in the rip tide and never look back. I am neither of those people; I was not born with a dream, nor have I found that one thing that I have to do.

We've all heard the old adage "you never work a day in your life if you love what you do," but what if you haven't found that thing you love doing? What if you've found several things you only like doing? What if what you love is doing a lot of different things? Well if you're looking for the answers to these questions, I'm sorry to disappoint you, I haven't found them yet, but it is possible that I have a bit of insight to share.

They say a "renaissance man" is someone who can do a little bit of everything. I am by no means a renaissance man, but over the years of doing various different things I have noticed I have a knack for picking up most anything and being pretty damn good at it. I have worn many hats in several different fields yet none of them have ever really defined me. I was an exemplary student, an exceptional athlete, a promising culinarian; I've held offices in multiple organizations, held management positions in various occupations, even spent a few years as a pretty decent DJ for a night club. I've partially taught myself two different instruments, how to write HTML and CSS code, and how to build a computer. I've worked in the automotive industry and have a decent hand at small engine repair. As trivial as it may sound to most, I've kicked some serious ass at several video games (against real people…not the "computer")  I've liked all of these things. I was supported by friends, peers, and people I looked up to in each of these endeavors. I have heard praise from many for a multitude of skills. I am the quintessential poster child for undeveloped potential (and I'm also the most humble creature you've had the good fortune to come across). So, yes, I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I've tasted several bowls of porridge and haven't found that one that's just right.

I suppose what I'm slowly eluding to is that fact that I've "liked" several things but I've never seen myself doing any of them for the rest of my life. So, recently, as I have done many other times, I asked myself "what is it I really want?" Obviously I still don’t have the answer, but I had an idea. Actually putting it down on paper now makes it seem very trivial, a "duh, dumbass" moment, but regardless I feel like it's necessary. Despite all the successes I have experienced and the exceptional bit of bragging I accomplished mere moments ago, it still took me 28 years to realize… "hey, maybe you should just write down everything you really enjoy, no matter how trivial. Make a list, actually have these things visible, tangible, right in front of you and evaluate them that way." I wont say "rank them" because they're all things I enjoy, I don’t want to stop doing any of them, but I can look and see which ones offer realistic goals. I can see which of these things I couldn't live without and see if there is any potential there.

So, what my list pointed me to, ironically, is writing. It is the one thing that I've always done, even through all of my other ventures. I know I have some talent (it could stand to be well polished, but some talent nonetheless), and it is ironic because this article, this "chronicled epiphany," is probably one of the worst things I've ever written. However, if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty about writing it's that you have to write; just get the words out on the page, don’t let them bottleneck in that space of indecision between your head and the page.

As I said earlier, if you came here for answers, you've definitely come to the wrong place. However, if you came to be entertained (using the term extremely loosely) by a lengthy diatribe, well I might have the goods to accomplish that feat. At any rate I am now certain as to what I want to do….and that is to never bore you, nor myself, with another trivial "diary entrance" like this one ever again. Not all of us have the gravitas to make a lecture about "dreams" entertaining and eternal… smug bastard…..(drops the mic).